Step Inside My Crystal Ball…

A couple of days ago I had words with my mother. She has some health issues  (she is due to have major surgery and she has had some complications with some of the medications prescribed to her)… Yes, I had plan to call and check up on her and see how she has been doing…But instead I received the call asking why I had not call them.

  I have never been the kind of individual who calls every single day on the phone to check up on people; hell, when my arm was broken almost two years ago, I did not want to be contacted every day; even when I was feeling fine.  Maybe that would partially explain the “lies” that were told me about being sent a get well card from my church and the job…in all fairness the people in my department did send a card along with a fruit basket which caught me totally off guard…but I was very grateful.

Back to the conversation, I felt like I was being jumped and had no way of defending myself, only to be told that the reason was because I did not want to…She was quick to judge me, but when I came back and put that same question to her; her reply was “that’s different”, I would like to see how. 

My father got involved in the conversation (I told both of them I was stressed due to a lot of issues; work to a minor extent, but family to a major extent). now I do not want to put words into his mouth, but from what I picked up was that I was an individual who was not capable of handling anything that was put in my path.  That’s not true, but after some searching and prayer I have come to the conclusion that that this job will never be more than what it is; a dead end and that my future lies in doing something else…and until I can put my plan of action in place, I do what I must do until I can do better. That is something my father will never understand; so I just plug along in silence .

With both of my parents in not so good health right now, it seems I am feeling everything.  How will they get around? What to do? How to care for them?  My father has had complications from a TIA incident he had two years ago and has not been cleared to drive.  I am feeling that I will have to take on some of that inresponsibility.  

Truth? I’m scared.  And I do not want to hear that line other people have handled it before you; that is all well and good, but that don’t help me.  What am I really afraid of here?
I am staring at myself 25 years into the future and my health starts a downslide (I pray that never happens that I am not able to care for myself , but we do not know what the future has in store for us), will there be anyone there for me? And if so, will they throw crap in my face like I should be blest to have them helping out, I could be put in a home or left some where to die…as if they were doing me a favor…cruel, ain’t it?  It is possible that I  maybe seeing myself in them in that state of being…  and that thought scares me straight out my clothes.  

And to think a phone call from one of your parents can trigger these thoughts…