My last post was on October 25, 2018.
I have not posted anything…even so much as a “Boo” in all of 2019.
How very sad.
As the calendar year 2019 comes to a close, I have been reflecting on the state of my being in general. As I put these thoughts in writing, I can only sum it up in one word:
Yeah. That is what I said, SCREWED. S-C-R-E-W-E-D, SCREWED.
For purposes of this post, Google Dictionary defines screwed as a situation that is hopeless or difficult, ruined or broken. The year of 2019 fits in very well in this definition. My finances were in the toilet, my appearance from my head down to my feet and all parts in between was unrecognizable to me, my rent steadily increased with no improvements(had to literally beg to fix the ceiling in my bathroom after it caved in, the garbage disposal quit working, the situation was just hopeless).
My job? That is another situation. I love my employer with all the perks that I have been offered. My salary has just not kept up with the rising costs of living(insurance, food, utilities, life space(we need to get away from everyone and everything to recharge our batteries; that did not happen for me). I cannot seem to find an opportunity that closely matches what I want to do…until recently where I see a team that oversees and sets up the wellness programs; not close, but I feel I would be a great fit for that.
But when one applies, they look at one’s work experience…oh, too bad. You at xxx grade and have not risen up; work on the skills at your present gig, and maybe…I have come to resent that very much. You help other persons on your job and then they move over you and then up…they type faster, they get everything needed on that call in seconds…but in all honesty, I have to take ownership on some issues that have been present for some time; let’s just say my enthusiasm or lack of does not get me jumping out of bed along with other pressures…it is hard to be excited when your mind, body, and spirit are not in it…just merely going through the motions, and not even good that.
My family…my father had suffered a massive stroke in 2018(had 2 small strokes)and it had left him worse for wear; in February this year he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. He had in-home care; the representatives were wonderful and took great care of him and we had received a grant to help out with the expenses…in the April-May timeframe the grant money had dried up and the cost of the care quadrupled…along with my nerves and those of my family members (who shall remain nameless for the time being) shot as there was always some sort of daily drama … I am finding myself starting to stray, so I need to return back to the main subject of this post …me and my “situation”…
My father passed away in late August and I made a decision to move back home to assist my mother and at the same time use this as an opportunity to clean up some bills and sock away some money..yes, there was something in it for me.
It did not quite work out that way…it cost me 1100.00 to break my lease, 300.00 to move my contents to my parents home(I can consider it my house as well) and close to 1000 to haul away junk, trash, garbage… and I lost all of my deposit(apparently management decided they needed to lease my apartment right away….dirty ass bastards…considering I was only a person of one and did all of the work myself, I did a pretty good job; or so I thought.
Hell, it could have been worse, I could have been sued and wound up in JP court.
All of this has taken a toll on my health as well; I find that I cannot stand for long periods of time. I am at a state that I cannot continue in this current decline…Christmas was the last straw for me(that is a discussion for another time)
I have always made decisions saying what I am going to do, what I am not going to do, and that seems to be nothing more than me blowing hot air. I said I was going to work on my blog(s) this year; I have not.
I was going to stick to my exercise plan and work on eating healthy; this has been in phases, and although I have been exercising, I have been stress eating all year this year, although not eating Little Debbies ,Hostess Snack Products (too much sugar) and Donuts (causes acid reflux) . If there is small blessing, it is this: My overall health has held its own from blood pressure to diabetes and cholesterol.
My back, however, that is another issue, but am grateful that I can still get around, but hell, it can be better, I have to work in routine to help me..but as you guess, I have not…time again the culprit.
I had planned to block out time and work on my side gigs to make some money and work at developing new ones…that has not materialized either.
Time…the common denominator in the situations listed.
With all of this stress compounded, how can I the hell do anything, which also includes work? One must have appropriate funding to have the essentials being health, food, clothing, shelter, transportation… health is first and foremost because if you don’t have your health, nothing else matters.
But I also came to a realization on something…I have been speaking to what I now know are individuals whose main goal is to do nothing but sabotage you at every turn…say things to goad you into arguing with them, use the information you mentioned against you, say things about your appearance, you character, even so far as your mental being…to keep you right where you currently are, because when you are broken, you will not want to lift yourself higher because you are trashed at every turn (too fat, your stats are unacceptable, why are you seeing a crazy doctor, you did not get the job because you don’t look the part) and you begin to believe what you hear and see; so then you give up and become mediocre, because that is what you are, so stop chasing that pipe dream … be very careful, as parents and even siblings can get in on the act.
As 2019 comes to an end and 2020 comes in, I am going to put ME first…ME!
The only way this is going to happen…set boundaries…how do I do that given my situation and the family that I had no say in picking? I have got to take that chance, step out of my “comfort” zone (“comfort” my ass)…I have got to, otherwise I will have no choice but to stay where the fuck I am and settle.
AND I THE FUCK DON’T WANT TO DO THAT ANYMORE.
AND SCREW THAT AGE THING TOO!!!
WHAT DO I HAVE LEFT TO LOSE BUT TIME, OF WHICH I ALREADY DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH OF.
Here’s to 2020, and hoping that it will be a better year than 2019.